Without You

Been running for a long, long time
Thinking it was the only way
Ran so far, began to forget what it was all for.

Thought I needed to hide from the darkness
Believing it was the only way
Hid so deeply, started to get used to the cold.

Finally started to slow it down
Down enough to feel the distance 
Distant enough to hear the silence
Silent enough to need you.

You told me this is the only way.

Didn't want to see
Because it hurts too much 
Because it hurts to let go
Because it hurts missing you.

This is the only way
You keep reminding me.

I can touch the water down my back
The warmth surrounds my skin
I can hear the words cut through me
But I feel your hands move gently.

I stare out the moving window
A world between you and I
The rain exists even now
But I feel safe in your presence. 

Can I rest here for awhile?
I know this moment won't last forever.
Just give me this time to look again.
Let me remember you better this time. 

Will you forgive me?
All the times I pushed you away.
Every blind eye I chose to turn. 
I thought it was the only way. 

Rest here for awhile
This moment won't last forever
Take time to look again
Remember it all better

What is there to forgive
Time pushes everything away
A blind eye sees nothing
Love is the only way

Taste of Freedom

What does the feeling of liberation feel like? Have you ever felt freedom in your body, mind and soul? I am guessing that is how enlightenment would feel like. I think I have had moments of freedom. I am beginning to feel those moments more and more. 

I can guess what freedom is because I have felt the opposite. I have felt fear. I have felt helpless. I have felt weak and insecure. I have felt powerless. There is no freedom when the mind is blinded by suffering. But once you've tasted freedom, your heart will never willingly settle for less. 

Deep down I think all humans know what it feels like to be free. Maybe that's what we're constantly striving for -- a return to freedom. A return to a time where we're not limited to our bodies. A return to a time where we are beyond the physical. 

My friend told me about the play Awakening 賈寶玉. I didn't watch it but the story has been on my mind since she told me about it a few weeks ago. The story is about the main character Jia Bao Yu's death and his chance to relive his life mentally and physically without the ability to change the way it unfolds. I don't know what I would have gotten from the play if I had actually watched it but it makes me ask what would it feel like if I could relive my life up to now without changing anything. 

Would there be a sense of freedom in that? If I could go back to all the times I felt hurt, sad and unloved, knowing I wouldn't be able to change anything, how would I choose to embody those moments? How would I experience moments of happiness and joy? 

I recently read a letter Oprah wrote to her 15-year-old self. What do I want to say to my own 15-year-old self? 

To my blossoming sweetheart at age 15,

You are full of love but you don't know it yet. It will take you many, many, years to truly feel how beautiful and lovely you are. You will feel torn between what others want you to be and a mysterious voice telling you to take the road less traveled. You will feel weak. You will feel guilty. You will feel shame. You will feel lonely. You will feel confused. 

But there will come a time when those feelings will make sense. 

You will be lead astray. You will make decisions you'll regret. You'll look back on times where you chose another's love over your own. Deep down you will know that is not true love. You will question your worth. You will feel betrayal. 

But remember you are not your feelings. Emotions will come and go. People will enter and leave your life. Change is inevitable and growth is a choice. Always choose truth, freedom, kindness, compassion and happiness and you'll be able to face anything that life throws at you. 

Always trust that you have a choice. Every moment is an opportunity to look at life with fresh eyes. Nothing lasts forever and you will grow older. But you will always be a part of me. You are love. You remind me that I never have to look far to remember the first sense of freedom. The first steps towards adulthood. 

I can now see so clearly who you want to be. And I can tell you to just enjoy because you will become who you want to be. 

Love you completely and unconditionally,

Who you want to be and will become

Where Does the Heart Lead?

Rinpoche gave his teaching in English and explained the importance of watching the mind. His translator repeated his words in Chinese as “觀你的心”, which really perplexed me. Why is mind being translated as 心? In everyday Chinese, 心 means heart. Why would the word "mind" be translated as "heart"? Aren't the mind and the heart two different things? Why do I often feel like my heart and my mind point in opposite directions?

That experience was nearly two years ago. Now I understand how the heart and mind are indeed the same and not separate. Emotions and thoughts all originate from the mind and they are interconnected. If I think mean thoughts, corresponding emotions will develop. 

When tears flow from my eyes, the mind is the mastermind and the body's reaction is an external expression of the thoughts and feelings inside. 

Naively, I used to think that emotions and thoughts were completely separate. I thought it was my fate to be at the mercy of my feelings. I cried frequently and easily as a kid. But gradually, I learned to suppress the sadness and instead I began experiencing depression regularly. 


Then throughout my twenties, I slowly began to feel like I was numb inside. I wasn't able to cry or feel as strongly as I used to. Looking back, it was a period of disconnection with my internal self. But the moment I realized I had lost my ability to cry, I knew there was a problem. And that realization has lead me on a path to recover that part of me. 

I think deep down we all know what we truly feel in our hearts. There are lots of noises and distractions which make it hard to hear the calling but if there is the desire to hear, the sound will get stronger. And the more you truly listen and follow the sound, the more confidence the heart will have to speak up. 

Moving to Hong Kong three years ago forced me to constantly ask myself why I've chosen the path that I now follow. I didn't really know the answer in the beginning but the reasons are slowly starting to take shape. I've made a decision a long time ago to follow my heart no matter where it may lead. For the longest time, I've questioned my path because I didn't consciously realize what I was doing. I was running on instinct and gut feelings because I've always inherently felt that to be the right way. 

So where does this heart of mine lead me? It has lead me back to my mind, body, soul and spirit. I no longer feel the need or desire to run or search for something anymore. I am beginning a new stage in my life. A stage where I just want to enjoy each and every moment for what it is. I want to enjoy myself for who I am in each and every moment. I want to watch the sorrows, boredom, rainbows and disappointments of life with awe and appreciation. 

We all come into this world needing love, care and attention. Each of us need to see and be seen for who we truly are inside. But once you know who you are, nothing else really matters that much anymore. It's no longer about what you do or who you love. What matters is how you live and how you love. 

You can't stop the waves but you can learn to surf. ~ Jon Kabat Zinn

Another Year, Another Day

One day Ananda, who had been thinking deeply about things for a while, turned to the Buddha and exclaimed:
"Lord, I've been thinking- spiritual friendship is at least half of the spiritual life!" 

The Buddha replied: "Say not so, Ananda, say not so. Spiritual friendship is the whole of the spiritual life!"
Samyutta Nikaya, Verse 2


Another day at work came to an end. Wai Yee and I made our way to the Wellcome supermarket by her apartment. We picked up some salmon, shrimp and greens before heading back to her place. Wai Yee was going to cook dinner for me tonight. Well not just for me. She has to eat too. So to be correct, she cooked dinner for both of us. 

I sat myself on her sofa while she turned up her cantopop music to a blaring level. She disappeared into her telephone booth-sized kitchen. I searched for Hong Kong gossip magazines to flip through. No luck. The only thing in sight was the "Joy of Wisdom" book I gave her for her birthday last year. 

The stress of the work day began to flow through my body and as natural as the setting sun, my head laid itself down and I curled into a fetus position on the couch. As my mind slowly drifted away, I saw Wai Yee standing over the stove like a dream. It took me back to the childhood times of laying on the couch in front of the television waiting for food to be served. 

I thought of Wai Yee cooking away and I thought to myself "我很幸福”. I am very blessed.  I never once felted that sort of deep gratitude or appreciation throughout the many, many years of meals cooked up by my parents. But that day, a home cooked meal by a friend I'd only gotten to know this past year helped me realize how truly blessed I have been my whole life. 

It's easy to take things for granted. It's easy to forget that nothing is a given. My parents didn't have to work as hard as they did. But they didn't want my brothers and I to live in a small apartment. They wanted to be able to buy a proper house. My Mom didn't have to cook dinner for us so we'd have food ready for us to heat up at night while her and Dad were still at work. People don't have to do anything for us. They do it because of a thing called love. 

There is a scene in the Wong Kar Wai movie "Happy Together" where Tony Leung is fighting a miserable cold and he'd been arguing with his lover, played by Leslie Cheung. Leslie asks Tony to cook dinner and although he obviously doesn't want to, he still forces himself to make the meal. Love is love, in whatever form it takes. 

The dinner took place a week ago. Today is Wai Yee's birthday. My immune system is down, I'm fighting a cold and my shoulders are tight. But none of that really matters. From being no more than barely strangers in 2011 to now being one of my dearest friends, we've grown a bit together. And in a week's time, we will be the same age again. 

You'll always be one step ahead of me. But that's okay because you are one of the few people I trust to continually walk positively ahead. And if that's the case, I'll always be close behind. And if you falter a bit, I'll be the first to remind you what greatness you have inside you. 

Happy birthday Wai Yee. Thank you for all the long talks and all the laughter. Thank you for always giving me your honest opinion and always pushing me to be honest with myself. 

認識了妳我很幸福。認識了妳我更加認識自己。

Behind the Curtain

If I ask you what is the one thing you know for sure to be true in this world, how would you answer?  Maybe I'm being a bit tough. How about I let you choose 3 truths? Got something in mind? I know how the Buddha would answer. 

I'm not a Buddha yet and I don't like plagiarizing so here's my completely original answer originating from my own unique mind:

• Nothing stays the same. Change is happening moment by moment, propelled by a force and energy greater than any single object. 
• Inner and outer are two sides of the same coin. The perceiver and the perceived are the same at the moment of perception. 
• There is no inherent meaning to life. It is what we make of it. Any meaning we give to a situation, person or belief is a conscious decision we add on. 

So now what? Why does it matter what I think? It matters because I need to make myself accountable. Do I truly believe that nothing stays the same? Yes, that's why I need to constantly remind myself to be grateful -- for the good, the bad and the ugly. Because any moment it could all disappear.

I don't have the luxury of ignorance anymore. My Dad is turning 70 in December. My oldest niece will start fifth grade in September. I can't keep asking myself who I want to be when I grow up. I'm already grown up. I'm already somebody. It happened without me even realizing. Luckily, I am somebody I truly love. After some close examination, I've decided I'm not too bad after-all.

Now that I have over thirty years in the bag, I want to live the next thirty a bit differently. I don't need to look for happiness anymore. I can choose happiness with every breath. I don't need to be afraid of others disapproval anymore. I will try my best and that's something nobody can ever judge. I won't wait for the perfect moment, job or relationship to appear anymore. Life is a lot better being lived, enjoyed, observed, created and appreciated.

I was one of those annoying kids who always asked "are we there yet" over and over during road trips. I couldn't enjoy the journey. I always wanted to get "there" as quickly as possible.

Luckily I've changed a bit. Now, I try to see the "there" in here and everywhere. Case in point -- the above picture taken in Guizhou, China at the Huangguoshu Waterfall (黃果樹瀑布) in March, 2010.

"Yellow fruit tree" waterfall is the largest waterfall in China but unfortunately when I went, it's grandeur had diminished due to a long-standing drought. The majestic rush of powerful, descending water had turned into a peaceful layer of trickle. If the waterfall was my ultimate "there" of the trip, I would have been greatly disappointed. But behind this great waterfall, there exists a great cave called the Water Curtain Cave. And within a small, small space of this cave, lives the flowers you see above, hidden behind a curtain of light and water.

If there had been no drought that March, and if the waterfall was at its usual greatness, maybe I wouldn't have bothered to look more closely for an "interesting" shot. It definitely wouldn't be the same shot because the heavy cloak of water would have blocked out most of the gorgeous light. It wouldn't have been the same shot.  

I used to want to take "good" pictures. Pictures other people would like and say good things about. But true happiness cannot be hinged on the judgments and approval of others. 

So why do I take pictures? Just to enjoy and appreciate the moment. It's just play. It's fun. It's curiosity. It's about recording a moment where perceiver and perceived were one. It's just to see how something would look through my eyes. 

It's like a peak behind the curtain. 

Planting Seeds

Everyday we plant and water seeds in our mind, heart, and body. I have many seeds within me: love, compassion, patience, procrastination, addiction, and fear. You name a trait and I would probably be able to give an example of how I've lived it out. Essentially, every human quality is formed and exercised through habit. The more we practice something, the easier it becomes.

I want what I want. Even if it's not good for me. This is a mental habit I've been indulging in before the beginning of time. My strongest recollection of how this mental energy shapes me occurred around 1988. My parents, my two older brothers and I lived in a small apartment on the corner of 39th and Hawthorne in Portland, Oregon.

Hawthorne is a big and busy boulevard with traffic lights. This is an important fact to the story because to an eight year old - and to the parents of an eight year old - traffic lights are scary, scary things. To the heart of my eight year old self, those lights were like dragons - large, intimidating, and taunting. My parents never allowed me to leave the apartment by myself, let alone cross a busy street without their safe and protective hands.

But the ego wants what it wants. And my young, childish self wanted more sticker packets to try and complete her She-Ra sticker book. Like a shining castle, just across the other side of Hawthorne Blvd stood Fred Meyer, a large supermarket filled with groceries, household products and She-Ra sticker packets.

All Chinese kids understand the beauty of a red envelope (lai see). My relationship with money began with all the birthday, New Year and special occasion red envelopes received yearly. With anywhere from a dollar to 20 dollars per red envelope, I had enough pocket change to do some damage at Fred Meyer. With intent (strong craving) plus resources (money) and a supplier (supermarket), the recipe for trouble was complete.

I can't remember how many times I snuck across the Hawthorne border and paid up for a hit of sticker packets. My parents both worked full-time so my second brother and I were often home alone. Since my brother is five years older and a teenager at that time, I had plenty of opportunities to be at home all by myself. I can't recall how things unraveled but eventually my Mother found out about my indiscretions. My secret affair with Fred Meyer came to a devastating end as I faced my wrathful Mother holding my nearly empty tin can of lai see savings.

I still remember how furious my Mom was. But more sadly, I remember how disappointed she must have felt. I hate disappointing people and more importantly, I hate the look of disappointment.

So I have the seed of addiction in me like many, many people in this world. It's a seed I try not to water but habits are hard to break. Although I'm not addicted to drugs, alcohol or anything too extreme, I have a weak spot for foods that I know are bad for my health and skin. I'm also an avid procrastinator.

Now that I've been practicing meditation, I try to observe my habits and thoughts closely. It helps me understand why I do the things I do. It helps me understand others as well. For every cause there is an effect. I am who I am because of past intentions and actions. Today, I'm starting to water new seeds. This blog is a new seed of creativity I'm committed to growing.

Thank you for reading!

Beginning to End

When the fire cools 

and the heart grows silent 

Doubts subside 

and fears turn into clarity 

There is a gap 

There is an opportunity 

When the curtain draws to a close 

and the make-up is removed 

The only sound left 

is the echo of the night 

I sit here in silence 

Resting, contemplating 

This moment, this stillness 

Without you, without me 

Without thoughts, without feelings 

So simple, so easy 

We rest here together 

Deep in emptiness 

No beginning
no end