Planting Seeds

Everyday we plant and water seeds in our mind, heart, and body. I have many seeds within me: love, compassion, patience, procrastination, addiction, and fear. You name a trait and I would probably be able to give an example of how I've lived it out. Essentially, every human quality is formed and exercised through habit. The more we practice something, the easier it becomes.

I want what I want. Even if it's not good for me. This is a mental habit I've been indulging in before the beginning of time. My strongest recollection of how this mental energy shapes me occurred around 1988. My parents, my two older brothers and I lived in a small apartment on the corner of 39th and Hawthorne in Portland, Oregon.

Hawthorne is a big and busy boulevard with traffic lights. This is an important fact to the story because to an eight year old - and to the parents of an eight year old - traffic lights are scary, scary things. To the heart of my eight year old self, those lights were like dragons - large, intimidating, and taunting. My parents never allowed me to leave the apartment by myself, let alone cross a busy street without their safe and protective hands.

But the ego wants what it wants. And my young, childish self wanted more sticker packets to try and complete her She-Ra sticker book. Like a shining castle, just across the other side of Hawthorne Blvd stood Fred Meyer, a large supermarket filled with groceries, household products and She-Ra sticker packets.

All Chinese kids understand the beauty of a red envelope (lai see). My relationship with money began with all the birthday, New Year and special occasion red envelopes received yearly. With anywhere from a dollar to 20 dollars per red envelope, I had enough pocket change to do some damage at Fred Meyer. With intent (strong craving) plus resources (money) and a supplier (supermarket), the recipe for trouble was complete.

I can't remember how many times I snuck across the Hawthorne border and paid up for a hit of sticker packets. My parents both worked full-time so my second brother and I were often home alone. Since my brother is five years older and a teenager at that time, I had plenty of opportunities to be at home all by myself. I can't recall how things unraveled but eventually my Mother found out about my indiscretions. My secret affair with Fred Meyer came to a devastating end as I faced my wrathful Mother holding my nearly empty tin can of lai see savings.

I still remember how furious my Mom was. But more sadly, I remember how disappointed she must have felt. I hate disappointing people and more importantly, I hate the look of disappointment.

So I have the seed of addiction in me like many, many people in this world. It's a seed I try not to water but habits are hard to break. Although I'm not addicted to drugs, alcohol or anything too extreme, I have a weak spot for foods that I know are bad for my health and skin. I'm also an avid procrastinator.

Now that I've been practicing meditation, I try to observe my habits and thoughts closely. It helps me understand why I do the things I do. It helps me understand others as well. For every cause there is an effect. I am who I am because of past intentions and actions. Today, I'm starting to water new seeds. This blog is a new seed of creativity I'm committed to growing.

Thank you for reading!