Taste of Freedom

What does the feeling of liberation feel like? Have you ever felt freedom in your body, mind and soul? I am guessing that is how enlightenment would feel like. I think I have had moments of freedom. I am beginning to feel those moments more and more. 

I can guess what freedom is because I have felt the opposite. I have felt fear. I have felt helpless. I have felt weak and insecure. I have felt powerless. There is no freedom when the mind is blinded by suffering. But once you've tasted freedom, your heart will never willingly settle for less. 

Deep down I think all humans know what it feels like to be free. Maybe that's what we're constantly striving for -- a return to freedom. A return to a time where we're not limited to our bodies. A return to a time where we are beyond the physical. 

My friend told me about the play Awakening 賈寶玉. I didn't watch it but the story has been on my mind since she told me about it a few weeks ago. The story is about the main character Jia Bao Yu's death and his chance to relive his life mentally and physically without the ability to change the way it unfolds. I don't know what I would have gotten from the play if I had actually watched it but it makes me ask what would it feel like if I could relive my life up to now without changing anything. 

Would there be a sense of freedom in that? If I could go back to all the times I felt hurt, sad and unloved, knowing I wouldn't be able to change anything, how would I choose to embody those moments? How would I experience moments of happiness and joy? 

I recently read a letter Oprah wrote to her 15-year-old self. What do I want to say to my own 15-year-old self? 

To my blossoming sweetheart at age 15,

You are full of love but you don't know it yet. It will take you many, many, years to truly feel how beautiful and lovely you are. You will feel torn between what others want you to be and a mysterious voice telling you to take the road less traveled. You will feel weak. You will feel guilty. You will feel shame. You will feel lonely. You will feel confused. 

But there will come a time when those feelings will make sense. 

You will be lead astray. You will make decisions you'll regret. You'll look back on times where you chose another's love over your own. Deep down you will know that is not true love. You will question your worth. You will feel betrayal. 

But remember you are not your feelings. Emotions will come and go. People will enter and leave your life. Change is inevitable and growth is a choice. Always choose truth, freedom, kindness, compassion and happiness and you'll be able to face anything that life throws at you. 

Always trust that you have a choice. Every moment is an opportunity to look at life with fresh eyes. Nothing lasts forever and you will grow older. But you will always be a part of me. You are love. You remind me that I never have to look far to remember the first sense of freedom. The first steps towards adulthood. 

I can now see so clearly who you want to be. And I can tell you to just enjoy because you will become who you want to be. 

Love you completely and unconditionally,

Who you want to be and will become