Past, Present, Future

With every January 1st that comes and goes, we are bound to be asked about New Year resolutions and reflections of lessons learned. Like waking up from a dream, 2013 started with a shot of reality that forced my eyes to pop wide open. In a span of five days, I experienced an unexpected roller coaster mix of shock, anxiety and gratitude. 

But let me rewind a bit though because this is not about 2013. The story of the coming year has yet to be written so I shall take a step back. I would like to write a summary. A summary of how I will remember the year of 2012. 

All I wanted in 2012 was health. I spent the first half of the year drinking Chinese medicine. It did not provide the results I wanted. The second half was focused on exercising and strengthening the body. Through it all, I was forced to ask myself what I mean by "health". Is health truly health if it stresses me out worrying I'm not exercising enough? 

I sought "health", "happiness", and "balance" like a cat chasing a rat. I ended 2012 with three weeks away from Hong Kong, back to the comforts of home and family. My body, mind and spirit needed healing. Or at least that's what I thought. 

The three weeks included me making my Mom cry during dinner, my Mom making me cry on Christmas night, multiple long games of Monopoly with my nieces and a 30 minute walk through my neighborhood after lunch holding my Mom's hand. 

The moments were endless and I enjoyed every single second and every single tear. The time spent at home felt timeless but it passed by way too quickly. Through it all, I felt as if I was living an eternity in those single moments. 

Like watching a scene in a movie, I laid in bed wide awake as my ten year old niece Mia slept peacefully next to me. Her eight year old sister Nicola was equally sound asleep on the mattress placed next to our bed. They wanted to have a sleepover with me so that is how the three of us ended up crammed into my room on a quiet winter night. 

The same room I'd slept in since I was nine years old. It felt like the same dark, peaceful slumbers of my childhood. But now these slumbers are those of their childhood. I remained awake as I looked at Mia's closed eyes. I felt the warmth of the house as well as the cold outside. 

In that moment, the past, present and future converged in my heart and I felt contentment. I felt happiness. In that moment I saw what life looks like through a loving heart. To know contentment is constant happiness. In that moment, that small, cozy room stood witness to a heart that transformed from loneliness to love.